Helpless Weird Writer

My friend George Szirtes has tagged me as a fellow "helpless weird writer" to tell 6 random facts about myself. The idea of "random" facts is a rather strange one and not easy to arrive at. I suppose I should try and spin an interior bottle and see which one of my brain cells it ends up pointing at. Well here goes:

(1) I have an ashtray on my desk (I don't smoke) made out of petrified wood. My Dad bought it back for me from Uruguay and it still has the label on of the shop where he bought it. On the whole, the idea of being petrified is preferable to me than that of being incinerated or buried. I quite like the idea of people bashing bits off me to take home and put on their mantlepieces or use as doorstops.

(2) I'm going to have a plant for which I provided the first ever description included in "A Field Guide to Surreal Botany" which will be published by Two Cranes Press for the Surreal Botanists Association. The plant in question is "Couch Kelp".

(3) I once had a girlfriend whose surname was Porn. We never got past kissing.

(4) My first ever time away from home was on a PGL holiday in Wales. One day we went pony trekking in the hills and the saddle of the boy on the pony in front of me was too loose. He toppled sideways and ended up hanging upside down underneath his pony.

(5) One of my early poems, written when I was about sixteen, had a line in it about 'latex seaweed'. I showed it to a friend and he, for some reason, found this very funny. It became a running joke for him. From that moment on, I realised poetry could make a difference in the world.

(6) When I was at boarding school, I passed the time by writing letters to politicians and celebrities. Sometimes I wrote the letters in the name of friends (asking what I'd have to do to become a member of the House of Commons, for example), and sometimes in my own name. One letter I wrote to Mary Whitehouse asking for a signed photograph and praising her as a "shining knight against pornography" was published in a book called "Fan Mail". It was my first ever publication. She did indeed send a photograph which I treasure to this day.

Hope that is weird, helpless and random enough.

Tell Me Please

1. What is the Book Whisperer?

The book whisperer is the little voice that speaks a split-second before any book slams shut.

2. Why can I smell when it is going to snow?

Because the smell of snow drifts more quickly than snow itself.

3. Tell me about a road that leads to a world where there are no ideas.

These kinds of roads are all too uncommon.

4. How can I get a memory out of my head?

Inscribe it on a piece of chalk and drop it in sulphuric acid.

5. Where is Shallowland and what lives there?

Shallowland is a place that only emerges occasionally from the sea. Mainly journalists live there.

6. Who is the man that lives inside the sun?

The man who lives inside the sun is a waiter from Ibiza called Pepe.

7. When did you first know who you were?

I'm fairly sure I knew who I was from the word go.

8. Why do gnats fly in spirals and never hit each other?

Gnats fly in spirals because of a mutation many millions of years ago. The main advantage is that they do not get lost, and this is why they don't need to hit each other any more.

9. What is love?

Love is, above all, being able to forgive.

10. How can I capture a free spirit?

Go to the pub during happy hour.


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This is a meme dreamt up by Clare.

Eight Random Facts

This is a meme from Clare Dudman.

Here are the rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Tagees should write a blogpost of eight random facts about themselves.
3. Enough rules already...

Here are the facts:

(1) I am one of the seven out of ten people who cross their left arm over their right.

(2) There are more bacteria in my mouth than the human population of the United States and Canada combined.

(3) There is enough iron in my body to make a small nail.

(4) My eyes can detect more than 10,000,000 different colours.

(5) My heart is twice the size of my fist.

(6) I have enough carbon in my body to fill 9000 pencils.

(7) I, like other humans, find it impossible to tickle myself.

(8) If I died today, my brain would still be sending out electric wave signals tomorrow.

Adapted from Medindia's Amazing Medical Facts of the Body website.